Category: Marks Notes

“…Moving through some changes…”

Even as the pandemic and its deleterious impact on the world continue, we are trying to find ways to forge lives and move ahead. And so it is with CST. There are some changes coming to the podcast for which I am profoundly grateful.

My first guest on CST was Keith Cox. Keith is an old friend I’ve known since junior high school back in the late 1970’s. We’ve remained friends all these years and stayed in touch. I’m a lucky guy, there’s a lot of people I have such long friendships with including Greg Barnett, the founder and owner of NABU wines and a guest here on the podcast in the past as well. Matt Burgess, our music director whom I’ve known for 33 years, Chris Ulm, a web app and game developer and I have been friends for 30 years and Scott Wolfe and Shawn Near, my mates of more than 33 years who, along with their families, remain good close friends.

But Keith went far and wide away and we never lost touch. When he returned, it was to the Central California Coast where he raised his kids, created and developed two businesses and pursued his passion for music. Married to his soul-mate, Tina, Keith is one of the most interesting people I know. He’s got a wickedly quick wit, a broad range of interests and a worldview that isn’t afraid to question what he knows–and isn’t afraid to validate what you know, even if he doesn’t agree.

Keith will be my co-host starting on episode 30 of CST. We’ll continue to invite guests on from time to time as we can, but as I return back to the classroom for my last year as a teacher in this tumultuous and strange time, I find it’s getting harder to make the podcast work as I don’t currently have the time to sweep the world for guests who have something more to say. Keith and I can continually create conversations around topics large and small and when we find some good folks to join us, we’ll do that, too. Who knows, maybe we’ll even change the name…?

Meanwhile, Producer Jason is also becoming busier in his day-job and so we’ll be either looking to produce the podcast ourselves or perhaps, find a suitable successor. But honestly, if it were not for Producer Jason, CST would not exist. So we’ll see where that goes.

Meanwhile, I wanted to talk to you about Keith and introduce him. CST will do exactly what it was founded to do–talk about the times in which we live, using as its foundation the nature of creativity, hope and optimism. Welcome Keith! Very excited about CST’s future with you in it…

The Alternative Way

In this strange and hard time, my biggest daily solace is a walk with my dog, Simon. Today, Independence Day 2020, was no different-at least not different since March. There was a soft breeze down in the Barranca where we walk and as we came out of the tunnel that passes under the road, I was overwhelmed by memory.

It’s broad summer, first in the Midwest and I’m transported back to Whitcomb Avenue in Palatine, IL. I’m 5 or 6 years old and yet memories of that time flood through my mind with what I think are precise details, though I think some of it is rather like Michael Crighton’s “frog DNA” in Jurassic Park–perceived gaps have been, perhaps, filled in. The sun is bright and warm and in carefree, long bicycle days, my brothers, friends and I are wandering the paths and sidewalks in between our homes, our school (which had a summer-day program) and the local K-Mart, which sold Icees, a cherished treat.

Then, in Pennsylvania, across the Susquehanna River from Harrisburg, near Middletown and Hershey, was Hummelstown. We lived there less than two years, but the memories and strong pull of that place, of that time-1973 to 1975, are cement memories, as heavy as they are vivid and beautiful. Strangely, I learned many years ago that my father did not like living there, but it makes sense. He grew up in Pittsburgh and wasn’t terribly keen on living in Pennsylvania again. We visited Pittsburgh to see my grandmother often, and going there too was like time-travel. For dad, it was a step backward in his life. We had lived in Illinois and he worked in the hustle, thrum and vibrancy of Chicago. In Pennsylvania, his office was in the basement of our home. In Illinois, his office was in a Chicago high-rise.

For me, Pennsylvania was the birth of everything. It is where I learned to love baseball, it’s where I became interested in reading about the American Civil War and American history. We were close to family, my Aunt Virginia, Uncle Karl and cousins–and school, friends and adventures were plentiful. 4th of July in both places was a true amalgam of Americana– good, homemade and inexpensive food, fireworks displays-and fireworks at home on our street (something I’ve grown weary of, actually. I don’t care for the loud noises of them anymore).

Why those memories came back to me so hard down along the dirt and scrub-brushy path near my current home is probably owed to my recent reminiscences of photos of those places. Like a dream, I was engulfed in my childhood and my life now evaporated before me. I was a child, but could see through adult eyes the joy that filled those bug-juice, bicycle path days. But I’ve also sought escape from this hard and dark time by thinking back to the freedom of my childhood. Summers were filled with choices my brothers and friends and I all got to make, it seemed. Nothing felt hemmed in. The indoors were not where we wanted to be and the weather hardly mattered. We wanted to be outside, roaming the woods, the sidewalks, the paths of familiar home territory and our parents were content that we were safe enough to manage that navigation on our own. It was a glory I’ve not seen since.

We’ve all been forced to think very differently about our lives and perhaps some of it is needed, correct and honest. I don’t wish to debate that at all with anyone. But in this time, a year before I retire from 30-years of teaching, I feel the want of freedom very keenly just now. I feel the need to escape universal fear, create a life worth pursuing again and one that I hope is worthy of ideals that the 4th of July is meant to celebrate.

Earlier today, in Santa Monica, CA, some 45 miles from where I live, a man leapt to his death from a pedestrian bridge overlooking the 10 Freeway near the Coast Highway. He’s the third one I’ve read about in a week, though one of the three was saved by alert police officers who talked that man down. Desperation is prowling like a wolf and our politicians, feckless and craven, hungry for power and control, make no sense in pronouncements that differ from what they said a week ago. My heart grieves at people’s desperation and fear, illness and death. My mind cannot accept that it is happening. We are better than this–we can be much, much better.

As I walked out of the Barranca and onto the road, my dog turned to the right and we headed for a neighborhood called The Pinnacles, with a steep-hill climb that makes the exercise worth doing. I looked ahead to the hill and started thinking about 11 months from now, June 2021. I’ll be newly retired and perhaps with some hope, grace and faith, the pandemic will subside whether from vaccine, or plain old miracle. Maybe I’ll be free again and if I am, I may just go find another path to walk on. And see where it leads.


The Words Were the Beginning

The words were the beginning. And in them was solace. And sacrifice. In them were love. We’ve been stripped from them, like husks from ripe fresh corn. They are vapid now.  We look for banners, signposts--and empty things filled with fresh, false hope as we navigate Still waters, lurking monsters, pronouncements of doom and climb aboard dream airplanes, pilotless, pathless, mindless, lifeless, hopeless. 
Where are the green shutes? Where is the hand-holding, smiling walk of lovers, friends, graced by God for touching, laughing and sharing. We’ve been distanced. Social loss, social dysfunction and misfiring engines. Social destruction, distortion, disgrace, disaster.
The clouds whisper in cool breezes-waiting for the touch of God to move them along.
The people are clamoring, seeking, wandering, waiting--longing.
And it will come. It is coming. Slow, graceful steps among weeds, rust and loss.
Spirits rise, call to us-what will those who have passed on---left behind?
Will they have passed in vain? Will that flag tatter and limp into fetid breath?
No. Rise. Rise...rise. We will not be afraid and we will not ignore the need, the sick, the want.
We have work to do! It is not the work of politicians, bureaucrats, lawmakers and editors-but
The work of the lost, lonely and hopeless--toward bright sun, toward health, toward love, toward God. We will not be afraid and ignore. We will bless and be blessed-and we will return again to
The flowing, weeping, joyful words. Words that speak comfort, grace and life-the Words of God.

A Place called Time

I’ve lived in California for almost 45 years, coming here when I was 10 years old. For whatever reason, though I’ll forget things I discussed last year with someone, I have a very rich storehouse of memories, nearly a kind of constantly running film in my head, of my life and childhood before California. And though my childhood in California was a fine one as well, I separate the two. Life before CA. Life in CA. It is a curiosity to me that people from some places are identified with place. A New Yorker, for example. A Midwesterner. And, of course, Californians, which I suppose, I am.

The friendships I have here, the life I have here are wonderful-even dreamlike, my wife is a native Californian, my daughter is a native Californian. I’m not. I don’t feel like one, though justly and truly, I am. Place has always meant more to me than ever I could embrace. In my mind, being of a place is a great gift, a kind of identifier that allows us to ground ourselves, even if only for a moment, into something real, practical, right now. In my religious and faith tradition, “we are not of this earth,” and maybe that is as it should be. Yoda said, “Luminous beings are we…” and I think God spoke to that in a number of religious texts as well. But there is a difference between “not being of this earth,” and not engaging on this earth while we’re here.

Just before the pandemic started, I had this uncomfortable feeling that I wanted time to speed up because doing so would mean I’d retire from teaching after 30 years and move north out of California to Washington, a place that my whole family has fallen in love with. I say uncomfortable because I don’t want to wish my days away. I want to live every moment. And then the pandemic came and since March, I’ve simply been feeling time stand still. Life won’t start again until we can get back up and out into the world. In many ways, the tension I feel is the tension in the debate at hand: We cannot afford to stay locked down forever. We will ruin ourselves. It would be nice if we could all just stay home and avoid the world until this went away–but that’s just not going to happen. We will lose everything. We are caught with a very tough decision–either we start turning the wheels of industry again and getting people back to work–or we simply shrivel away into nothing and the suffering that is happening with those who are ill multiplies geometrically into hunger, homelessness, despair and grief–for all.

But returning to a semblance of normalcy is not without risk, certainly. And we’re going to need to be much smarter than we’ve been about it. Time can’t stand still. Time is going on and people are suffering, some from illness, some from loss, some from despair and purposelessness that suddenly appeared revealing how little control we all have. We are left with ourselves as the world turns upside down and begins to feel strange, odd–and frightening. No one can see a year from now. No one can see six months from now. Maybe we’re looking to next month. Spots of hope from approval of good medicine that seems to be working to millions who have had the virus and are healing, getting better. Those stories don’t get told as often as the struggles, the death and the grief. As real as the latter are, there is also the reality that many more have healed and still more never got that sick. How do we reconcile this?

I’m still wishing for time to move ahead, but it’s sheer will on which I’m working. The ever-present low level of anxiety that permeates is balanced by its counterpart that maybe now is a time to stand still, to offer love and hope where we can, to use humor (even dark humor that we all succumb to on occasion) when we feel like crying and to reach out with love when we feel close to despair. Maybe that’s the best way to see each day through-so that as time passes, we do feel it instead of ignoring it. And then perhaps we get a chance to see our own futures rise again, like sunrise-with a healthy dose of lessons learned, love lost and love moving ever and always…



Episode 10 is now posted and so Considering Some Things will become a weekly podcast and will post each Wednesday. Jason Abrahamson (hereafter known as Producer Jason) and I have worked out the scheduling to fit both of our schedules and allow time for recording and editing (we do occasionally have to edit due to technical issues and, more rarely of course, errors by yours truly).

I’m uncomfortably writing in the meta-fashion, but I suppose it is a by-product of doing the podcast in the first place. We moved very quickly, thanks to Producer Jason, from a sort of experimental recording of a conversation with my friend, entrepreneur and musician Keith Cox, to a website, to a well-functioning and useful website to a podcast–to being available on iTunes and Tunein. This was not by design, not at first anyway. I’ve been interested in podcasting for a long while, as I mention on the about page here–but it is this terrible situation, a global pandemic, that gave me pause to think of it in terms of the time I had and, perhaps, the urgency of being creative after realizing that nothing in life is guaranteed. So, like so many of the people I’ve been interviewing, who have been trying something new or “pivoting” to a new way of earning a living, it is a desire to connect with people because the number one thing I miss in all of this–is connecting, hugging, talking to and sharing with people I know and love.

Upcoming episodes are being recorded and we’re still focusing on speaking to the idea of maintaining hope, optimism and creativity as well as the challenges facing small business and entrepreneurship and life during this pandemic.

Meanwhile, hope abounds and everyday there are changes. While the suffering is immense, we begin to see moments of a brighter future in everything from successfully flattening the curve, as it was known-to some states making slow returns toward reopening.

I hope you find our conversations worthwhile and interesting. I know we still do-and while that’s so, we’ll push…onward.

Rain and Sun

As the argument goes on about when and how to open states and their economies back up, the usual forces are pitting politically divisive side against politically divisive side. Unhelpful, but probably simply part of the landscape of discourse these days. Still-something will come out of it…

The sunlight through the clouds is slow in coming for so many and the debates rage on as some say we should simply hide ourselves away until there is a cure or a vaccine. Of course, we cannot do that. In the midst of all that is happening, I started doing the podcast located here and I have been so moved by the response to it–and by those I’m interviewing and their insight, bravery, thoughtfulness and compassion. The struggle to remain one’s creative self, whatever form that creativity takes, is the one I’m interested in. I learn so much from talking to people who are making things work as best they can.

For my own part, which is all I’ve really written on this blog for years, I know that I love having my wife and daughter home with me. For a while, we had my sister-in-law here as well, but she went back to her home in Washington. We are a happy family and through the darkness, we have each other. I know many feel this way and I know some do not. As we move further through this dark tunnel, there is light at the other side and we may even begin seeing it very soon.

We’re all–and by all I mean our govt. too–going to have to accept that viruses don’t go away. We can vaccinate against them, yes–and perhaps treat them (as is looking more likely) but vanquish them? Probably not. Sooner or later, we’re going to have to develop a process to get ourselves back on our feet again, while supporting and protecting the most vulnerable to this disease and giving them the security of knowing that we can keep the economy moving, the medical and science professionals looking for answers and prevent them from contracting the disease the virus brings. These are not insurmountable goals. They are musts from a society that has had to reinvent itself any number of times. These clouds will part–and hopefully, we’ll learn to live with them when they do.

“Recalled to Life…”

The argument springing up just now is important and truly American. The politicians, faced with an enormous exercise on the limits of their Constitutional powers, are now discussing how to “open society back up.” Of course, there was no real discussion like this when they chose to close it down.

It’s as important a debate as was the original Constitutional Convention more than 200 years ago. As the virus pandemic continues, though now somewhat abated, our economy and our people are suffering–more in number than those who got sick with the virus. Businesses have folded, bank accounts dwindle, housing values plummet, and many people having trouble putting food on the table.

The early and, in my view, ill-informed panic that closed the country down became a general rule of thumb to avoid over-loading our healthcare system and that was in all fairness the right thing to do. But we seem to have “bent the curve” as we were told, in most places and now we see the strange posturing of politicians on all sides saying, “it’s time to try to get back on our feet,” while others call for up to 18-months of quarantine, supposedly completely ignorant of the economic impact (think meteor crater).

As I just see no purpose in the political scrum that ensues, the cut-to-the-chase moment is obviously upon us. We have to protect the most vulnerable, find a way to maintain hygiene and distancing measures, while slowly being “recalled to life,” as Charles Dickens wrote.

While I remain apolitical, I do fall on the side of Mr. Dickens. I realize it cannot be business as usual. That day will come, perhaps sooner rather than later–but we need to allow people to get back to work, commerce to continue and exercise our liberties again.

But I also fall on the side of the people with whom I’m talking here. This week, four new interviews with small business owners, artists, and a nationally renowned speaker, Dr. Terry Paulson, who will discuss optimism in challenging and fearful times. I think you’ll enjoy them all, please join me.

Happy Easter

It might not be as Happy as we’d like. But it is a sign of hope. There is much to be hopeful for. As we strive to end this plague and scientists and medical professionals around the world work to bring it under control, today is a day for Universal Hope, not universal fear. Jewish people celebrated Passover, a plague visited on the world from which they were saved, by again sheltering in place and remembering their ancestors. For those of us who celebrate Easter, we now look for the new dawn after a time of grief, pain and sadness. And that time will come again–and soon.

It’s certainly a painful time and all of us are afraid. But this is not without precedent–and we will overcome it and it was important to me to note that this morning. Easter brings with it the hope of renewal-and now more than ever, that’s what we need and what will come again.

Peace. For those of us in the Easter tradition, He is Risen. But whatever your tradition, life will spring again–and with it the promise of being able to know who we are, and how to do it better than ever.

Stop Making Sense

We seem to have come to a place where we are siding now with our favorite scientists, or our favorite news posts about our favorite scientists. The realists are leaning toward pessimism and the pessimists are already in despair. If you’re an optimist, like me, it’s determination to stay there and read posts that give you hope. Why read what is going to make you more afraid, more sad? Do more of any of those things work?

Making sense of a global pandemic is impossible at any rate. There must be a reason why there is argument about how the virus started (did it come from a “wet market” in Wuhan province in China, where patrons eat exotic proteins from bats or pangolins? Or did it come from a bio-weapons lab that didn’t handle procedures just right?). The conspiracies abound and no one knows. And then there are those who say if you call the virus the “Wuhan Virus” or something like that, you’re xenophobic. Nonsense, of course, but in a hyper-partisan age, no one is safe from assumption.

Either we will get through this thing, or we won’t. Not getting through it looks pretty “Mad Max” like. It’s not that the virus will kill everyone. It won’t. In fact, for the most of us, we may not even know we have or had it. But if we keep locked down much longer–the economy will sputter and food will become scarce, supply lines will break down. No one wants that. So even those who say, “stay home–don’t go out. Don’t do anything,” are at some point going to have to step aside. Sure, if we could all socially distance forever–it’d be a lot harder for the virus–any virus–to do damage. But that’s not how the world will work. Or rather, if it is–there’s a whole new world out there–and it’s not Disney’s.

But that’s the ugly side. And none of us–even if we’re the world’s worst pessimist–wants to entertain that. So, it’s good to see a debate building now about how to get back into the world. It’s going to have to be thought through, and we’re definitely not just going to open back up and start running again–not until there is a vaccine or herd immunity anyway. The vaccine is probably a way’s off, the best case scenario appears to be November or December. And that might be wishful thinking. Still–the world will not stop spinning, and we will have to begin a slow roll of putting people back to work, back to the world, back to the economy: The cure most definitely must not be worse than the disease.

Honestly, I don’t even know why I’m writing this. I have no answers–and that’s not what my podcasts are about. Right now, I am dealing with the here and now. Let’s talk about creativity and joy. Those things are at the heart of who we are–and we have to find ways to maintain them or none of this will make any sense.

A Momentary Lapse…of all things

I don’t want to write this. I’ve put it off for almost three weeks and I’m forcing myself to sit at the keyboard right now. As writing usually does for me, I find joy in the tactile feeling of punching the keys and feeling like I might be saying something coherent, but what–if anything–is to be said by the likes of me?
The novel coronavirus that began in China ostensibly with a bat that became someone’s meal has stifled everything. It’s silenced the world, killed many, sickened so many others and as I write this, the optimism that exists does so with the possibility of treating it with pre-existing medications that seem to have an effect on slowing the virus down, stopping it from duplicating and then–the hope of a vaccine sometime late this year or early next that will provide a return to normalcy.
I teach from home on my computer. Never has the Internet been so remarkably important. My daughter, a freshman in college two states away, is now home doing distance-learning as well as we hunker down leaving only to obtain necessary groceries and take walks with the dog for exercise. Outside still isn’t the problem. The problem is other people. Transmission comes by droplets from coughs or sneezes. It can also come from doorknobs or packages and other unremarkable things.
Life changed overnight. We are on our knees. Our economy, booming and thriving is mere days or weeks away from recession or even depression. The only work truly being done besides education from a distance–is the supply chain. That’s big, true–but to drive in Los Angeles in the afternoon or morning without traffic is unnerving, otherworldly. Air travel is near to non-existent.
I’m left to document. I have nothing to add, no insights and no grand thoughts. I’m an extrovert and I was deeply concerned that this attempt at social-distancing, keeping away from others not in our household, would be hard, frightening and lonely. I have found the opposite to be true. I’m comfortable with being home with my family. I adapted to a new routine quickly and I didn’t find it difficult. I rather enjoy the technology of teaching over the web, but I admit I miss my classes and I feel for them all–seniors, who aren’t really even going to get a normal graduation this year.
Best case scenario? One of these medications or more has an impact worth repeating hundreds of thousands or even millions of times and public health officials tell us that we can go about our lives with a bit of caution, washing hands, trying to keep a bit of distance–until a vaccine is online. But at least we have a cure should you need one.
Worst case scenario? I’m not capable of writing about it.
I’m left with faith and optimism. Neither are my strong suit, but I am adapting. I have always been a faithful person and my prayer-life is in overdrive these days. I’m not a pessimist, though I lean toward worry. I’ve found this time that worry isn’t a helpful thing at all and so I’m focusing on the former two. We’ll find a way out–as long as it may take, we will. Most who get the virus show no signs or mild to moderate signs. But, the virus is ubiquitous and since it’s new, no one has immunity and so those who get sick get very sick. About 2 percent die. That’s a large number of people, though the fatality rate will come down when we can do more testing and realize how many people actually have or had the virus.
I want more than that–we all do. This time has cemented my firm retirement at the end of next school year. That is the common theme of this post. I remain focused on the future, now. Shannon turned 19 yesterday in the strangest birthday she has ever had–and hopefully will ever have. I’ll turn 55 in June and I’m in hopes that by then, quarantine is lifted. I don’t know what that will look like–but I can imagine it.
So I’ll continue to pray, to hope and to read with ardor the updates that scientists, doctors and researchers are publishing. I’ll continue to reach out to those I love and keep them in my life. If I haven’t contacted you, it isn’t because I don’t think of you. We’re all trying to adapt–it’s new. It’s novel, as is the virus. And like it, we’re still finding our way. Here’s hoping we do–before it does.
​Onward. With faith.